How to Save America: Break It Apart

I was looking at the final election map one night and it just came to me, like an epiphany that was so simple I'm surprised I didn't think of it earlier..

IT’S TIME TO SAVE AMERICA BY BREAKING UP THE UNITED STATES.

We’ve already noted the differences between Hillary Clinton’s America and Donald Trump’s, so this is the perfect time to go one step further and make it official. Here’s the plan:

Step 1. We’ve known for some time that Texas wants to secede from the union, so I say we let them. They can become independent or go back to Mexico or become Greater Guatemala. I don’t really give a rat’s ass.

Step 2. People in California are already talking about having a Calexit, so I say we add in the contiguous blue states of Nevada, Washington and Oregon (plus Hawaii) and create West Coastlandia, with San Francisco as the capital and the government buildings located next to Ben and Jerry’s at the corner of Haight and Ashbury. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jeff Sessions.)

Step 3. New England joins with NY, NJ, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia to create The Thirteen Colonies Minus a Few But Much Better Than the Original 2.0. We make Annapolis the capital so the Navy can defend it any against Trump supporters who might escape the Virginia boondocks. Of course, Trump will have to move out of New York because the president can’t live in a foreign country. Trump Tower will be demolished and a statue of President Obama holding his birth certificate will be erected in its place. It will be one foot taller than the Statue of Liberty.

Step 4. That leaves the blue states of Illinois, which has enough weapons to defend itself while standing alone; Minnesota, which we’ll give to Canada where it belongs; and the Colorado/New Mexico Rectangle, which we’ll name New Colomexiradoco. Say it with me: Col-o-mex-i-rad-o-co. It rolls off the tongue. This new country will be given back to the Native Americans we stole it from.

Step 5. We allow Trump to govern all of the remaining red states, which will be renamed Trump’s Golden Basket of Poorly Educated Low Information Deplorables. I’d put the capitol in Mississippi and make Trump and his ceramic family live there among the stupid, uninformed confederate flag-flying redneck racists who elected him president.

Step 6. Finally, Trump’s government will deport all of us red state liberals to the new blue country of our choosing, and we’ll all live happily ever after without ever having to hear his voice or see his tiny hands again.