Donald J. Trump, the alt-President, on cyber security

"On January 21, I will issue an executive order barring all Cybers from entering our country. Cybers who are here illegally will be deported and those who have committed crimes will be googled, internetted and world wide webbed.

"We will build a big, beautiful wall to keep the Cybers out and we will make Cyberia pay for it.

We will have the best cyber security. This I will tell you.

"I will also instruct our military to begin building a Star Wars-style cyber defense system to prevent attacks from cyber space. Ivanka says we'll call it Control Alt Delete."