Leakers provide advance copy of Trump’s address to Congress

[The following is a copy of Alternative President Donald Trump’s speech to Tuesday’s joint session of Congress, provided by one of the several hundred leakers now operating in the federal government.]

Will you look at this crowd! People are saying this is the largest crowd any president ever got for this speech. The media won’t show you, but they are packed in here, folks, I mean Packed. In. Here. And there are lines outside with tens of thousands of other people who couldn’t get tickets.

The media wants you to believe that this event draws the same number of people every year – just members of Congress and the Supreme Court – and they claim the people outside are protesters. That’s just more fake news from the failing New York Times and CNN, the enemy of the American people. I plan to bankrupt them both next week.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m hearing that the state of our union is strong. Very strong. Not weak. Strong. What else could it be with Trump as president? Trump is a winner. I win things. I won 306 Electoral College votes, the most ever in history, except for 45 other Republicans and Democrats, and I won the popular vote, too, when you throw out the illegals. Top of the world, ma!

Since I took office, I have done more work in one month than any other president did in 12 years. I have already offended the leaders of England, Australia, Norway, Sweden, Germany, North Korea, China, Mexico, Iraq, Syria, Iran, Sudan, Libya, Somalia and Yemen. You think that’s easy to do? It is not, but nobody offends world leaders better than me, this I will tell you.

I have also signed a very great number of fantastic orders that Steve Bannon handed me. I don’t know what any of them say, but they look very official and those leather binders they come in are first rate. I think they make them in China. I love holding them up for the camera because it makes me look very presidential. I’m the most presidential person you’ll ever meet. Believe me.

I ordered my health secretary to repeal and replace Obamacare and replace it with my plan, which I told you was finished some time ago. We’ll move forward with that just as soon as he tells me what my plan includes.

I froze all government regulations. I think that means I can do whatever I want whenever I want. After all, I have important tweeting to do, news shows to watch and tee times scheduled for every weekend from now on, so I don’t need bothersome regulations getting in my way.

I scrapped the TPP, which was the dumbest deal ever. Whoever thought we needed a trade policy for toilet paper? It was a disaster. So sad.

I kicked the Indians off their land out west so we can build a gas pipeline through the middle of their water supply. If they don’t like it, I’ll deport them to their country of origin.

(Aide hands him a note.) Wait! What? Are you telling me that this is their country of origin? Well, then we’ll send them all to Palestine. I hear there’s plenty of new housing going up over there.

I ordered Homeland Security to begin creating my border wall. It’s going to be a big beautiful wall with a big beautiful door so that big beautiful Mexican women can come through whenever they want. I love the Mexican women. I love to grab them by the… Sorry, they told me I shouldn’t say that again.  

Next, we’re going to begin creating the American taxpayer money that Mexico will use to pay for it.

I have authorized the hiring of 15,000 more immigration agents to patrol the wall and the purchase of 15,000 pairs of jackboots from my daughter Ivanka’s “Secret Mercenary and Paramilitary Camouflage Uniform Collection” so they can be properly attired when they start ripping Latino families apart and deporting all of our gardeners, fruit pickers, dish washers, babysitters, janitors, cab drivers, maids and other bad dudes.

I banned Muslims from seven countries from entering the United States. Now I notice there are some judges in the room, so for your benefit, it didn’t really apply to Muslins and it’s not really a ban and there’s no religious test and we have good reasons for doing it, although none of our attorneys know what those reasons are yet. But we’ll have the best reasons. I have a very good brain.

I issued a memo to the Defense Secretary to create a plan to defeat ISIS. I know the fake news said I already had a secret plan, but they just make stuff up. I never said that, regardless of what you think you saw on videotape. Trust me, you didn’t see any such videotape and even if you did, it was just a fake, a phony, a fake.

I did other stuff to clean up the mess I was given, but let me finish with just a few of the more important points:

* My ratings on “Apprentice” were much higher than Arnold’s.

* Saturday Night Live hasn’t been funny for years and Alec Baldwin looks nothing like me. Sad.

* Meryl Streep is highly over-rated and no longer relevant, so I’m banning her from winning any more awards.

* I don’t need A-list celebrities to like me. I’d much rather be liked by toothless, Confederate-flag-waving ATV-riding redneck KKK members from Mississippi who didn’t finish high school, can’t spell their own names and think the Affordable Care Act is different from Obamacare.

To prove that, I’ll be holding a number of campaign rallies with them in the coming weeks so they can hoot and holler and shoot off guns and yell racial epithets at any minority journalists who cover the events. We’ll schedule one any time things don’t go my way.

That’s all I have for now. If you’re a Democrat, you can get out now. Go ahead, get ‘em out. Get ‘em out of here. That’s it, get ‘em out. All except for Joe Manchin. He can stay.

Republicans are welcome to join me down at Mar-a-Lago this weekend so we can have an open-air strategy session on top-secret issues with all of the golfers, dinner guests, waiters and busboys who happen to be at the club.

Finally, I want to thank you for actually showing up tonight. That doesn’t always happen these days. So God bless you – at least some of you – and God bless the deep red states of America.