Baseball season will be here before you know it. I like
baseball because it’s the only sport I was able to play with any reasonable amount
of skill, and it is America’s pastime,
after all. There’s nothing quite like a night out at the ball yard with a warm $8
beer, a cold $6 hot dog and the company of family and friends.
I read with some amusement recently that Major League
Baseball is once again looking for ways to speed up the game. This, because the
average time of a nine-inning contest is now up to three full hours – an increase
of four whole minutes over 2015. One playoff game, it was noted, took more than
4 1/2 hours to play.
(I don’t suppose time outs for TV commercials had anything
to do with that.)
I haven’t played baseball for a very long time but I did play
slow-pitch softball well into my 40s. We could complete a 7-inning game with
the score of 21-19 in a little over an hour, so I know you could find ways to play
a nine-inning baseball game in two hours or less if you’d just think outside
the box and institute a few simple rules.
For example:
* If I were in charge, I’d electrify the batter’s box, using something
like invisible pet fencing. Once a batter stepped into the box, he couldn’t
step out again without getting an electrical shock (unless he hit the ball and
had to run to first base). The voltage would be increased each time he stepped out until
it reached a lethal dose. If he stepped out and fell over dead, he’d be called “out.”
* Institute a shot clock for pitchers with 15 seconds per
pitch. If you didn’t get it off in time, it would be a pitch clock violation
and the umpire would call “ball one, ball two,” etc.
* Stop using a new ball every time one touches the dirt. As
long as the ball is white enough to see and still has a cover on it, it should
be good enough to use. If that didn’t work, go to orange or yellow balls that would
camouflage the dirt.
* Require manufacturers to make batting gloves that were custom fit for every player or else
attach them to the batters’ hands with duct tape. Nothing slows down
the game more than batters adjusting and readjusting their batting gloves after
every pitch. If a guy adjusted them more than once, he’d automatically be
called out. Next batter, please.
* Along the same lines, make it illegal to change your batting
gloves for a different pair after you got on base. If you can’t run the bases
wearing the same gloves you used to bat, you’re much too neurotic to play
baseball, which is supposed to be a game played for fun. See a qualified
psychologist for professional help.
* Penalize all throws to first base that don’t pick off a runner.
If you throw over once and don’t get the guy out, he gets second base automatically.
Same for any other base.
* Give a manager one trip to the mound per game. The rest of
the time, he could just yell out what he wants or use those goofy signals they
use for everything else. Need a new pitcher? Call the bullpen on the phone and then
signal the old pitcher to leave the mound. “Hey, Jake, you suck. GTFO” should
work.
* Adopt the softball rule. Any foul ball after two strikes is
an out.
* Get rid of umpires and install lasers to indicate balls,
strikes, fair and foul balls, safe/out calls and home runs. This would cut down
on arguments, improve the accuracy of calls and lead to my next suggestion…
* Instant replay has to go. Period.
Any serious discussion about speeding up the game of
baseball has got to start with getting rid of a rule that allows umpires to
take 2-3 minutes or longer watching a video replay of a foot touching or not
touching a base, shot from one or more awkward and dubious camera angles and
reviewed by a guy in a private booth that could be 300 to 3,000 miles away.
While we’re at it, here are three other rules changes I’d
like to see:
(1) If a batter gets hit by a pitch, he gets one free shot to
throw a ball back at the pitcher, who must stand still and take it. He can
cover up his face or his crotch, but not both.
(2) Institute a penalty for every time a player grabs his crotch.
If it’s a batter, he gets a strike called. If it’s a fielder, everybody moves
up one base.
(3) Shorten the baseball season to 12 games and increase
football season to 162 games.
Yeah, that should do it. Play ball!
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