For state secrets, Trump may summon a raven, or just use carrier pigeons

Donald J. Trump: “If you have something really important, write it out and have it delivered by courier, the old fashioned way. Because, I’ll tell you what, no computer is safe.”

Vladimir Putin: “Comrade Petrov, please alert our agents who are posing as American bike messengers to be ready on January 20.”

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Sometimes I read things that are so outrageous I don’t know how to respond to them. I’m not sure I can do them justice. This is one of those times, but I’m going to give it a shot.

It seems our alt-president, Donald J. Trump, doesn’t know how to use email, which is kinda funny considering he wanted Hillary Clinton imprisoned because of hers. He doesn’t trust computers, yet he claims to know more about hacking than the rest of us do. So as president, Trump plans to write everything down on some piece of paper and give it to a courier to deliver.

Seriously? Like bike messengers? How will they get to Europe? Or Japan? Why not just put a stamp on it and hand it to the mailman. I think his name is Ivan Romanoff, but don’t worry about that now.

Here’s some breaking news, Donnie:

* If you type an email and send it electronically, it might be hacked. Chances are your campaign staff has already been hacked by the same people who destroyed Hillary Clinton. Piss them off and you could be the next star of Wikileaks.

* If you write a letter and hand it to a courier, it might not be safe. Couriers get intercepted, kidnapped or killed. Don’t you ever watch spy movies?

* If you key something into Twitter and hit SEND, it might not be safe. You do know that anyone on the planet can read your tweets, right?

* You could write with invisible ink, use edible paper, buy burner phones, devise a code, build a fire to send smoke signals, employ African drummers or hire a skywriter, but there’s no guarantee that anything you ever think, write, say or do will be 100% protected from people who want to know bad enough.

* I suppose you could hire Mike Tyson to train some carrier pigeons or summon up a raven from the Game of Thrones, but you’ll have to keep the messages really short and hope there are no enemy archers nearby.

So, pen, paper and couriers will be your method of delivering important messages…that’s classic. Welcome to the 19^th Century, the perfect time to make America great again.