Advance copy of Donald Trump’s Inaugural Address

Wow! What a crowd! Can you believe this crowd? Is this a record? This has to be a record. I’m hearing there are seventy million people here. Do I get the best crowds or what?

(Applause break – allow 3 minutes)

Last night we had a great concert over at the, uh, Lincoln statue thingie. Country star Keith Toby was there. I love Keith. Isn’t he great? I have all of his cassette tapes. We also had “Three Back Doors,” one of Melania’s favorites. One of the highlights, we had the winners of the Fuggnuckle, Arkansas, “You’ve Got Talent” competition, Clete and Wanda DePlorable and their singing dog, Basket. Some are saying it was the best concert ever.

As you know I just took the oath of office on a treasured family Bible that I bought yesterday at Bibles ‘r Us, and that makes me officially the President in Chief of the United States. Isn’t that great? So great. When I announced I was running for president nobody gave me a chance. The polls were against me. The news media was against me. It was all rigged against me, but now we know that was all fake news.

I beat 17 other Republicans including Lyin’ Ted Cruz, Low-Energy Jeb Bush, Little Marco, Pathological Ben Carson, Ferret Face Fiorina and Lonely Lindsay Graham by winning every primary by a yuge number of votes. I beat them all and I beat them all bigly.

Then I ran against Crooked Hillary and nobody gave me a chance against her, either, but I won in a gigantic landslide. I got the highest number of votes in the history of voting when you take out all of the voter fraud plus California. I could have won bigger if I wanted to. That I can tell you.

Now I’m the president and I plan to get started running the country from Trump Tower first thing Monday, right after I finish with my morning tweets.

You know what we’re going to do, right? We’re going to build that wall and Mexico will either pay for it now, reimburse us sooner, reimburse us later or tell us where we can hang our hat. We’ll have a plan for that later.

We’re going to repeal and replace Obamacare with something much better. We’re going to have insurance for everybody… but it won’t be universal health care. We’ll have a plan for that later, too.

We’re going to defeat ISIS because we’ll have the best generals. They’ll have a plan for that later.

We’re going to take credit for bringing back thousands of jobs that were already coming here. We’re extorting that from company presidents and CEOs as we speak.

And we’re going to make American great again. We’ll have a plan for that later as well.

Well, it looks like that’s all we have time for today. I never like to read anything longer than one page, so I’m going to have to cut it off right here. If there’s anything else I think you need to know, I’ll tweet it to you since the news media has been barred from ever covering me again.

So thanks again to my supporters, including all of the people who voted for me because they mistakenly thought I was telling the truth, my partner James Comey, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, my best bro’ "Putie" and the entire staff over at the Moscow Ritz Carlton who never admitted that anybody rained on my parade. You people were golden, I’m telling you. The check to pay for your continued silence is in the mail.