How to save America, revisited

(Adapted from a shieldWALL essay originally published on December 5, 2016)

Eight months into his administration, faux-president Donald Trump seems to be going balls-to-the-wall to divide America into its religious, ethnic and cultural segments and then stomp on the ones he doesn't like. In the past month or so he essentially endorsed white supremacists, failed to support the victims of racism and pardoned a convicted racist sheriff. Now, he has sent out his pet dog Beauregard to announce plans to deport 800,000 children of immigrants, many of whom are productive, tax-paying citizens who have never really lived anywhere else.

There’s no question that under the Trump administration, America is broken, and I can see only one way to fix it. We have to divide the United States into five new countries, give other parts of it away and leave the rest for Trump and his Storm Troopers to try and rule. We’ll let them see if they can survive on their own without the northeast and west coasts, most major cities and our most highly educated citizenry, because frankly, I don’t think they can do it.

Here's my plan:

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Step 1. We’ve known for some time that Texas wants to secede from the union, so I say we let them do it. They can become independent or go back to Mexico or become Greater Guatemala for all I care. Of course, they’ll want to collect their flood relief money first, even though their legislators voted against funds for Hurricane Sandy victims, but I have friends in Texas so I say let them have the money. Then go.

Step 2. People in California have suggested they might want to stage a “Calexit” to break away like Britain did with its Brexit from the European Union, so I say we add in the contiguous blue states of Nevada, Washington and Oregon and create a new country called West Coastlandia, with San Francisco as the capital. I'd put the government buildings right next to Ben and Jerry’s at the corner of Haight and Ashbury.

Step 3. We should enjoin New England with blue states New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and Virginia to create “The Thirteen Colonies Minus a Few But Much Better Than the Original 2.0.” We make Annapolis the capital so the Navy can defend it against any Trump supporters who might be lurking in the surrounding boondocks. (Note that I’m cutting Pennsylvania a break here. I know they went red last time but Trump lied to them so they didn’t really mean it.)

Of course, Trump will have to move out of New York because the president can’t live in a foreign country. Trump Tower will be demolished and a statue of President Obama holding his birth certificate will be erected in its place. It will be one foot taller than the Statue of Liberty.

Step 4. That leaves the blue states of Illinois, which has enough weapons in Chicago alone to defend itself as a separate country; Minnesota, which we’ll give to Canada where it has always belonged; and the Colorado/New Mexico Rectangle, which we’ll rename “New Colomexi Radoco." Kinda rolls off the tongue, don’t you think? This new country will be given back to the Native Americans who we stole it from.

Step 5. We'll sell Alaska back to Russia for $800 trillion dollars and divide the money equally among everybody who voted for Hillary Clinton. That’s a shade over $12 million each, I think, which ought to hold us for a while. Sarah Palin will become a Cossack and be able to see West Coastlandia from her house.

Step 6. We rename Hawaii “Obamaland.” It’s only fair after all of that birther nonsense.

Step 7. We allow Trump and the Republicans to govern all of the remaining red states, which will be renamed “Golden Basket of Poorly Educated Low Information Deplorables.” I’d put the capitol somewhere in a Mississippi swamp and make Trump and his ceramic family live there among the stupid, uninformed, Confederate flag-waving, redneck racists who elected him president.

I’m sure when this happens, Trump’s government will immediately want to deport all red state liberals to the new blue country of their choice, and that will be fine with me. It means we can all live happily ever after without having to hear his whiny voice or see his shiny orange face again.