If America is to survive our plunge into racist xenophobic
Fascism and undo the colossal damage wrought by the Donald J. Trump
administration, it is absolutely critical that the voters elect Democrats to
majorities in both the House and Senate in 2018 and the White House in 2020.
I keep reading stories about how the Democrats don’t have a
winning strategy or a platform that resonates with the majority of likely
voters, so I came here to help. I’m prepared to offer you the following
platform – free of charge. All you have to do is follow my plan and you’ll be
back in the driver’s seat starting one year and change from now.
First off, Democrats, forget about Russia. The investigation
by special counsel Robert Mueller may take many more months and will find what
it finds. The best case scenario is that Trump gets indicted, impeached,
imprisoned and raped repeatedly by a gang of bad hombres who were originally arrested
for parking violations by Sheriff Joe Arpaio...and became hardened criminals
while encamped in Sheriff Joe’s tent prison. Worst case? Mueller’s grand jury indicts everybody
except Trump … and he pardons them all.
The point is, if you campaign on “Russia Russia Russia” and “we’re
not as bad as Trump,” you will lose. Clearly that is not a winning strategy.
One-third of likely voters would still support His Majesty King Trump even if
he appointed Vladimir Putin as campaign manager (actually, he kinda did), and it's not enough to inspire others to come out and vote. What
you need is a strategy that speaks directly to every American who is currently
getting screwed by the Trump administration, including those people who are too
stupid to know it yet.
I’d start out something like this:
* If you vote for Democrats, we won’t take away your Medicare or Medicaid…but
Republicans will. Don’t take our word for it. Just ask them.
* If you vote for Democrats, we won’t take away your Social
Security…but Republicans will. Paul Ryan has said so.
* Also, we won’t take away your health insurance but will find
a way to fix it that doesn’t cost you more money. Republicans want to leave you
with premiums you can’t afford or nothing at all.
* We will find a way to lower the cost of prescription
medicine. Republicans won’t do that for you.
* We will raise the minimum wage so you have more money to
spend, which means more money for small businesses which will have more money
to hire more people to make even more money to cover their taxes which help pay
for the things we all need.
* We’ll make sure the rich people are doing their share. The
Republicans just want to give them a bigger share.
* We won’t close your public schools and give you a voucher
for a charter school you can’t afford, and which is located many miles from
where you live.
* We won’t start a nuclear war because our president is trying
to out-crazy the crazy leader of North Korea. You can trust us with the nuclear
football.
* We won’t abolish laws that protect your land, your air and
your drinking water, and we don’t deny that climate change is real, so if you
live near water, you’re safe with us. We won’t leave you to drown in a rising
sea.
* We will develop projects that actually do create jobs, such as renewable energy and infrastructure
improvements, instead of promising phantom jobs tied to tax breaks for the
wealthy.
* We won’t try to convince you – once again – that wealth will
trickle down. In the words of Rocky the Flying Squirrel, "That trick never works."
* We won’t ban you from living here or deport you and your family
to your “country of origin” when at least some of you were born in the United
States.
* We won’t encourage and defend neo-Nazis and white
supremacists who want to run you over with a car or burn you in an oven while
denying people of color their basic human rights, including the right to vote.
* And we won’t send your sons to Afghanistan to keep fighting
an un-winnable war.
There’s more, but you’ll have to vote for us to find out all
the good things we can do for you while at the same time clearing away the
wreckage left by the current administration.
Oh, and by the way, we promise to gently but firmly ask Hillary
Clinton to please go be a grandmother and leave politics for good, thank Joe
Biden for his prior service and ask Bernie Sanders to go back to being an
Independent and leave Democrat politics to us. Then, we promise to offer up
some good, young, talented, vibrant and enthusiastic candidates that all
Americans can rally behind and who have the best interests of the country at
heart. You can’t promote fresh, new ideas with stale old candidates who are
long past retirement age.
And finally, we promise to stop sending emails. Period.
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