We have to move Christmas to July. There is no other way.

This past December I bought some solar Christmas lights. I didn’t even know they existed until I stumbled upon them in Big Lots. I wanted to decorate an area that doesn’t have easy access to electricity, and I thought they would be perfect.

I bought two sets of lights, placed one set around my dusk-to-dawn light pole and the other along my driveway, and aimed the solar panels in the direction of the morning sun. After a full day of collecting the sun’s rays, the lights came on at dusk. They were beautiful. Being December, the lights came on when it got dark around 5 p.m. They were off by a little after 6.

Seriously? An hour and a half is all I get?

I thought maybe they needed to charge up for a few days, so I left them out there and waited. Every night was the same: on at 5, off by 6:30 at the latest.

I think you can see where this is going. The lights are called “solar” lights because they depend on the sun for power, and “Christmas” lights because you display them at Christmas time. Now raise your hand if you see the fundamental flaw in this design.

Got it?

Christmas is December 25. The shortest day of the year is December 21. There simply isn’t enough sunlight in this part of the country at that time of year to operate solar lights. After a few days, I took them down and, just for the hell of it, threw them over the railing on my deck. Last night, after a very sunny day, I looked out at 1:30 a.m. and they were still shining brightly.

So now I have the solution. We have to move Christmas to July. There is no other way.