Wrong number: People I didn’t know now, then or ever

I get a lot of calls for people I don’t know.

There’s someone named Stephanie S_______, who apparently needs to call the sheriff’s department immediately. They’ve been calling her for a couple of years now, so it may be getting urgent. I don’t know her and I don’t know what she did, but if it’s taking this long to track her down, it might be something really bad. 

Then there’s a guy named Randy G________. I’ve been getting calls for him for, oh, I’d say about 10 years. I didn’t know him 10 years ago and I don’t know him now, if he’s even still alive. I think he may owe money to someone. I’m hoping it’s a collection agency and not the Russian Mob, because they think he lives in my house. I don’t want anyone named Boris showing up here with a ball bat thinking I’ve hidden Randy in the cellar.

Several years ago, I got my first iPhone and bought an app called “White and Yellow Pages.” You can search for people by name, business or phone number. One of the first things I did was look up Randy G________ and, sure enough, there he was: name, address and phone number. It took me all of 18 seconds to find him. (He's still there today.)

Shortly after that, I got another call looking for Randy. The conversation went something like this:

CALLER: I’m trying to reach Randy G________. Is he there?

ME: There’s no one here by that name. You’ve called here dozens of times and every time I tell you we don’t know him, he doesn’t live here and as far as we know, he has never lived here, so please stop calling here looking for him. He isn’t here now and he won’t be here in the future.

CALLER: This is the number we have for him.

ME: That’s not my fault. It’s wrong.

CALLER: Are you sure he’s not there.

ME: Here’s an idea. Do you have a smart phone and 18 seconds to spare? I suggest you obtain the White and Yellow Pages app and look him up yourself, like I did. It took 18 seconds and I found him easily. I suggest you start calling the number that’s listed there.

Click.

Now I realize that Randy G________ may no longer live at the address that shows up on my phone app and that may not be his phone number now, but at least I know it WAS his information at some time in the past, unlike my address and phone number, which possibly NEVER belonged to him. If I were trying to find him, I’d consider that a better source of information with which to start.

You might be wondering why I didn’t just give out the number that I found along with Randy’s address, but I have a good reason for that. It’s the same reason why I didn’t use any last names in this essay.

See, I don’t know Randy and I might not want to be on his bad side. I mean, for all I know, Randy and Stephanie could be in this together. They could be partners in crime, like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, and they wouldn’t take kindly to my helping the authorities find them. There’s a reason why they’ve stayed hidden all these years, and they apparently like it that way.

If you know them, tell them their secret is safe with me. I just wish people would stop calling them at my house.