Sometimes, late at night (or very early in the morning), when
most people in my time zone are asleep, things start to rattle around in my
brain. I can’t stop them and I can’t control them, and eventually, all of that
rattling tends to wake me up.
When I was a reporter, it was news stories I needed to
write. I could literally write 3-4 paragraphs in my head, review, revise and
remember them until I got to work the next day and then type them into my
computer. I could do that. Honest.
When I became an editor, it switched over to headlines. I’d
be writing and re-writing headlines in my mind. Then, during my public
relations years, it was news releases, talking points and answers to difficult
questions.
Now, it’s mostly politics. I’m sure that surprises you.
Most of the time, if I’m lucky, I can lie in bed until the
rattling stops and then go back to sleep. Other times I wake up and commit the
rattling to paper – or more appropriately, to keyboard and screen. Last night
was one of those times.
So first off, I was thinking about these four-day work weeks
for the Alternative President of the United States. Is there really nothing
that needs to be done between noonish on Fridays when he heads out for the golf
course and whatever time he rolls in after his tweet storms on Mondays? I mean,
if he’s really not busy, I could come up with a few suggestions, starting with simple
stuff like “study a map of the world,” “open an actual book” or “read the
Constitution.”
By my count, a four-day work week means the alternative
president is off work 43% of the time. I know he says he’s not taking a salary,
but he should still give 43% of it back to the taxpayers in some meaningful way.
That would be $172,000, which might feed a few shut-ins through Meals on Wheels
or keep Big Bird on TV for a few days. It used to be our money, so he should
ask us how we want it to be spent.
Next, there’s the matter of Air Force One. If I’m not
mistaken, that airplane belongs to us – the American taxpayers. If the
alternative president goes to Switzerland for a peace conference or even just a
seminar on Swiss watches or Swiss chocolate, I expect him to fly in that plane.
That’s what it was built for and it has security features that United Airlines
doesn’t have – even though they’re pretty good at dragging unsuspecting passengers
down the aisle.
On the other hand, if he’s using AF One every weekend just to
go golfing at, what, $3 million a trip, I believe he should get our permission
first. We could vote online. It shouldn’t take but a few minutes for the
majority of taxpayers to vote “no” on that idea.
What about Camp David? Is somebody up there around the
clock, standing guard for nobody? Is there a cleaning crew keeping it tidy for
the first family who will never, ever go there? How much does that cost? Inquiring
minds want to know, especially when those questions start rattling around at 3
a.m.
If the Trumps don’t want to spoil their designer shoes by walking
through wet grass or subject themselves to fresh mountain air, how about we
rent Camp David out to the Girl Scouts or mountain bikers or use it for
corporate retreats? We could blindfold the people going in and out so they
wouldn’t know where it is and lock up all of the government secrets in a shed
next to the outhouses.
Finally, there’s the White House. Correct me if I’m wrong,
but don’t we own that building? Didn’t we harness up a few wagonloads of slaves
to come north and build that building in the Maryland-Virginia swamps so our
president could have a safe, well-guarded and rent-free place to live? And don’t
we have a visitors’ log inside so we can see who came to visit our house?
It’s bad enough that someday we’ll have to clean his stench
out of the hallways and off those gaudy gold draperies he’s hung everywhere,
but now he’s only in the place 57% of the time and doesn’t want us to see the
list of Russian spies who ARE spending time there.
These are the kinds of things that bounce around between my
frontal lobe and my cerebellum after the late night episode of Perry Mason ends
and the sleep timer kicks my TV set into slumber mode. Shortly afterward is
when all that rattling begins.
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