Baseball season is here again. It’s Opening Day in the Major
Leagues.
I like baseball because it’s the only sport I was able to
play with any reasonable amount of skill, and it is America’s pastime, after all – unless you count posting cat
videos and political arguments on Facebook and Twitter. There’s nothing quite
like a night out at the old ball yard with a warm $8 beer, a cold $6 hot dog
and a few thousand of your closest friends yelling at an umpire.
I read with some amusement recently that Major League
Baseball was once again looking for ways to speed up the game. This, because
the average time of a nine-inning contest is now up to three full hours – an increase
of four minutes over 2015. One playoff game, it was noted, took more than 4 1/2
hours to play.
Now I haven’t played baseball for a very long time, but I
did play slow-pitch softball into my late 40s. We could complete a 7-inning
game with the score of 21-19 in a little over an hour, so I know you could find
ways to play a nine-inning baseball game in two hours or less if you’d just think
outside the box.
I’ve got some ideas for new rules that will get you back
those four minutes and then some – all at minimal cost.
* First off, if I were in charge, I’d electrify the batter’s
box using invisible pet fencing. Once a batter stepped into the
box, he couldn’t step out again without getting an electrical shock (unless he
hit the ball and had to run to first base). The voltage would go up each time
he stepped out until it reached a lethal dose. If he stepped out too many times
and fell over dead, he’d be ruled “out” – literally.
* Next, I’d institute a “shot clock” for pitchers with 15
seconds per pitch. If you didn’t get the pitch off in time, it would be ruled a
pitch clock violation and the batting team would get an extra out for that
inning. If this happened more than three times in a game, metal spikes would
shoot up out of the pitcher’s mound while the pitcher was standing on it.
Enough said about that.
* To cut down on long at-bats, I’d adopt the softball rule
that says any foul ball hit after two strikes is an automatic out.
* I’d give the pitcher six chances to get a batter out. After
that, he’d have to throw the pitches underhand.
* We’d stop using a new ball every time one touched the dirt.
As long as the ball still had a cover on it, it should be good enough to use.
* And what’s up with batting gloves? Can’t they make batting
gloves that fit? I’ve seen guys step out and adjust their batting gloves once,
twice or three times between pitches. If your gloves don’t fit, strap ’em on
with duct tape and let’s get on with it. Any guy who adjusted his gloves more
than once per at-bat would be called "out." Next batter, please.
* Along the same lines, make it illegal to change your batting
gloves for a different pair after you got on base. If you can’t run the bases
wearing the same gloves you used to bat, you’re much too persnickety to play
baseball. The ghost of Ty Cobb should come back and kick you in the ass, spikes
first, for being such a girly girl.
* Moving on, I’d penalize a pitcher for throwing to first base
unless he actually picked off the runner. If he threw over once and didn’t get the
guy out, the runner gets second base automatically.
* I’d eliminate managers making trips to the mound. Give the
pitcher an earpiece like they have in football helmets and let the coach talk
to him directly. This would work except in ballparks near airports, where the
pitchers might pick up broadcasts from the control tower.
* If the manager wanted to change pitchers, it wouldn’t have to
be done in secret. Just walk to the top step of the dugout and yell, “Jake, you
suck. GTFO.” That should work.
* In my more radical suggestions, I’d get rid of umpires completely
and install lasers to indicate balls, strikes, fair and foul balls, safe/out
calls and home runs. This would cut down on arguments, improve the accuracy of
calls and lead to my next suggestion…
* Instant replay has to go. Period.
Any serious discussion about speeding up the game of
baseball has got to start with getting rid of a rule that allows umpires to
take 2-3 minutes or more watching a video replay of a foot touching or not
touching a base, shot from one or more awkward and dubious camera angles and
reviewed by a guy in a private booth that could be 300 to 3,000 miles away.
Even after review they get it wrong half the time. If
they’re going to miss half the calls, I’d rather they miss them on the field and
not in the replay booth in New York. At least the umps who make the mistakes
would be in the same area code as the players.
Finally, here are three other rules changes I’d like to see
that wouldn’t shorten the game but might make it more fun to watch:
(1) If a batter gets hit by a pitch, he gets one free shot to
throw the ball back at the pitcher as hard as he can. The pitcher has to stand
still and take it. He can cover up his face or his crotch, but not both.
(2) Speaking of crotches, I’d institute a penalty for every time
a player grabbed his crotch on TV. If it’s a batter, he’d get a strike called.
If it’s a fielder, he’d have to grab the crotch of the player to his immediate right.
(3) Last but not least, I’d shorten the baseball season to 16
games and increase football season to 162 games.
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