Once again on Monday, administration punching bag Sean Spicer was forced to redefine the English language while walking back the words of Donald Trump. This time it was the unsubstantiated claim that President Obama tapped the Trump Tower phones during the 2016 presidential campaign.
It seems that Trump wasn't actually referring to “wiretapping”
when he tweeted about “wiretapping,” because the words “wire” and “tap” in
Trump’s dictionary don’t actually refer to any kind of “wire”… and certainly
not the kind of “wire” that can be “tapped.”
See what I “did”
there? More on “that” in a minute,
but first, let’s review what Trump actually tweeted:
Terrible! Just found
out that Obama had my "wires tapped" in Trump Tower just before the
victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!
Is it legal for a
sitting President to be "wire tapping" a race for president prior to
an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!
How low has President
Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is
Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!
See? Thanks to Sean Spicer, we now understand. We were supposed
to know that because Trump used quotation
marks in his tweets, it meant, “Please ignore any words you might see
between these marks. Sean and Kellyanne Conjob will tell you what the words actually
mean at a later date.”
According to Kellyanne, the words “wire” and “tap” might have
something to do with microwave ovens or vacuum cleaners or maybe laser beams
from outer space. That depends on which morning shows you watch (why do they still
allow her to appear?) and whether or not she was claiming to be Inspector
Gadget at that point in time.
 |
| Not a wiretap |
Also, instead of “wiretap,” Trump might have used the word
“asparagus,” because according to Spicer, it would have meant basically the
same thing, which is to say, something that’s not a wiretap.
With that in mind, I have consulted the Not-Merriam-Webster Alternative
Facts Trump-to-English Fake News Translation Dictionary to help us
understand what Trump means when he uses certain words. Here are some excerpts:
* When Trump says “Obama wiretapped my phones,” what he really
means is, “Look at this shiny object. Oooh, pretty. Now, stop investigating the
obvious collusion between my administration and the Russians.”
* When Trump says “I haven’t called Russia in 10 years,” what
he really means is, “I talk to my pal Putie almost every day… but I have a
secretary place the call.”
* When Trump says “the monthly jobs numbers are bogus and/or factual,”
what he really means is, “I’m taking credit for every good thing that happens
in this country, while anything bad that comes along is either fake news or
Obama’s fault.”
* When Trump says “I dig coal,” what he really means is, “What
the hell is coal?”
* When Trump says “I’m going to bring back all of your jobs,”
what he really means is, “I don’t know how all these hillbillies got in here
but give me something I can say to make them vote for me in November.”
* When Trump says “I love the poorly educated,” what he really
means is, “Would you look at all of these idiots who think I care about them?
Thank god they were never educated.”
* When Trump says “I have a plan to defeat ISIS in 30 days,”
what he really means is, “I’m just saying that because I don’t think my
supporters can remember anything for 30 days.”
* When Trump says “Obamacare is a complete disaster that’s
going to implode,” what he really means is, “I don’t know how this smart-assed
half-black Kenyan socialist who embarrassed me at the Correspondents’ Dinner got
to be president in the first place. We need to get rid of his stupid law
immediately while making rich people richer.”
* When Trump says president Obama “wasn’t so popular until he
left office,” what he really means is, “Polls that say he’s more popular than I
am are rigged. I don’t care how you do it, but you have four years to
completely erase his presidency from our history.”
* And when Trump says “I’m going to build a wall and Mexico is
going to pay for it,” what he really means is, “Hurry up and get all of these brown
people out of my country so we can make America white again. I don’t care what
it costs… and I don’t care who pays.”
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