Mr. Alternative President, your audience awaits

I have an idea for new reality show. It's called "The Camprentice."

The show obviously combines elements of a political campaign with the competition of “The Apprentice.” Every week, contestants who want to be Pretend-President of the United States hold a campaign rally in some deep red southern state where people fly the Confederate flag, live on welfare but hate the government and think Obamacare and the ACA are two different things.

Donald Trump hosts the show. He opens each weekly segment by making a speech about how his fantastic new TV show is the greatest in the history of television and how all of the people love him again…bigly. Every week the speech is exactly the same, but no one in the audience cares because they’re too stupid to realize it.

They really aren’t paying attention, anyway. They only show up so they can wave posters, shout slogans and openly practice racism, misogyny, narcissism and xenophobia under the protection of Trump police. Like NASCAR fans who go to the track to see wrecks, these people like to watch as Liberals or people of color get assaulted, insulted, minimized and, eventually, escorted from the hall.

Meanwhile, each contestant will have five minutes to explain why he is the best candidate to make America white, Christian and clueless. (Yes, I meant “he.”) Points will be awarded for each derogatory comment concerning Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Jews, Asians, any other non-Europeans, women, Democrats, Rosie O’Donnell, educated people and the poor.

Extra points will be awarded for the most memorable campaign slogan, such as “(Only) White Lives Matter,” “Lock [Somebody] Up,” “Take Them to the Ovens” or “Fuck Fake News.”        

At the end of each episode, one candidate "suspends his campaign" and the others move on to the next rally.

The beauty of this show is five-fold:

(1) First, Trump will have a good excuse to resign as Alternative President since he didn’t actually want the job in the first place. He really only got off on the adulation that came from his rallies, which is why he’s still holding them two months into his alternative presidency. This way, he can keep it up for years to come, with no eight-year term limit to hold him back.

(2) Second, it will be a ratings bonanza for whatever networks carry it – just like Trump’s campaign was – only at the end of the show, the winner won’t really be the president.  Just like Trump.

(3) Third, the show can be filmed at Mar-a-Lago, so Trump never has to leave. He can play golf all day and film the show at night – and get the networks to pay for everything.

(4) Fourth, Trump can get his whole family to be judges so they can all get paid along with him, and they’ll still be able to keep all of their other businesses and any other income they can scam from the American people (or foreign governments).

(5) And finally, the government can take all of the money it’s spending on security for Trump and his family at three residences, Aspen ski trips and any country they choose to visit and use it to fund Meals on Wheels.

Or, I suppose they could just give it to the military with all the rest of the money. At least Trump would no longer be commander-in-chief.