This week’s special guest stars include Kim Kardashian, who
will meet with faux-president Donald J. Trump to discuss a pardon for some
woman no one has ever heard of, and Dennis Rodman, the sociopathic former
professional basketball player who will accompany Trump as he meets with Kim
Jong-un to discuss North Korea’s nuclear weapons arsenal and ultimately the
fate of the planet.
And what a show we have!
The Kardashian meeting will get us off and running as the
big ass from Hollywood meets with the Big Ass from New York to seek a pardon
for some woman who was unjustly imprisoned for life for a non-violent drug
offense. People are saying she was sent to Washington by her nut-bag husband
who is trying to keep himself and his wife relevant in the entertainment world
while their popularity and ratings continue to fade.
She will ask Trump to pardon this singular drug-dealing
Tennessee grandmother while totally ignoring the fact that tens of thousands of
other Americans – mostly people of color – have been sentenced to similar
prison time for lesser drug offenses but have the misfortune of not knowing any
celebrities who could help to get them released.
But hey, this is reality TV, not reality reality. A first-time faux-president can
only do so much on Mondays through Thursdays between the hours of “Fox and
Friends” and “Hannity.”
Next, we’ll watch as Rodman goes with Trump to Singapore to
try and negotiate a deal to denuclearize North Korea. The ultimate goal, of
course, is to help Trump win both an Emmy Award and a Nobel Peace Prize to hang
on a gold-encrusted wall at Mar-a-Lago.
About our guests:
* Kardashian is a Hollywood socialite who managed to make
herself famous just for being famous. No one would have ever heard of her if
her father Robert hadn’t been a friend of O.J. Simpson’s, and who probably concealed
evidence that helped the former football star get acquitted for murdering his
ex-wife. Daughter Kim first gained media attention as a friend of another
no-talent Hollywood gadabout, Paris Hilton, but received wider notice in 2007 when
a sex tape with her former boyfriend went viral. Later that year, she and her
family began to appear in their own reality TV series, “Keeping Up with the
Kardashians,” in which their social life somehow became a subject of national interest.
We’re not sure when she became an expert in the intricacies
and procedures involved in presidential pardon protocol, but when did that
matter, anyway?
* Rodman, you’ll remember, failed in an attempt to commit suicide
in 1993 before reinventing himself as a "bad boy" in professional
basketball, where he became notorious for numerous controversial antics. He
repeatedly dyed his hair in artificial colors, had many piercings and tattoos
and regularly disrupted games by clashing with opposing players and officials.
He famously wore a wedding dress to promote his 1996 autobiography Bad As I Wanna Be.
He is also a retired professional wrestler and actor, once
winning the Celebrity Championship Wrestling Tournament and starring in his own
reality TV show, “The Rodman World Tour.” He starred in two movies which were
so bad they netted him a triple Razzie Award, and won $222,000 as the 2004 “Celebrity
Mole.” He has also been arrested numerous times for such offenses as domestic abuse, drunk driving and hit-and-run.
All of this makes him highly qualified to fill in for our
depleted State Department to help negotiate with a homicidal madman who controls
nuclear missiles and poses a threat to his neighbors, the western United States
and the rest of the civilized world. After all, the Korean Kim and
Rodman are best buds.
Yes, friends, it’s stars like these who Trump is now
soliciting for domestic and foreign policy advice and a boost in his television
ratings. Be sure to keep watching as his popularity index climbs and more and
more star-studded guests are invited to the Oval Office to make critical policy
decisions that affect all Americans. After all, it’s ratings that count, and
who is better at drawing ratings than Kim Kardashian and Dennis Rodman?
Only one man can make that claim, and his name is Donald J.
Trump.
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