I can drive my own car, thank you very much

I just saw a TV commercial for a Cadillac that drives itself. It inspired me to make a few things perfectly clear:

(1) I don’t want my car to drive itself. I have known how to drive for 52 years. I used to do it for a living and I got pretty good at it. I don’t trust my car to know everything I had to know to get my driver’s license and the things I’ve learned from experience. For example, does it know what to do in the snow? How about heavy rain? Black ice? Fog? I do know, because I’ve been there and done that. Besides, I doubt my car could have passed the written drivers’ exam.

(2) I don’t want my car to park itself, either. I know how to parallel park. I taught my children how to parallel park. I don’t want to explain to my insurance agent that I was sitting there in the driver’s seat reading my text messages when my car accidentally backed into the $130,000 Maserati that was just starting to pull out of the space behind me.

(3) Nor do I want my car to stop itself. I don’t want to be driving along and have my car suddenly slam on the brakes. First off, I don’t need whiplash in my neck, and any sudden stop would probably throw my back completely out of place. Second, if my car has to slam on its brakes to avoid something in the road, that tells me that I wasn’t paying attention in the first place.

And that, my friends, is the rub.

When I was a kid, I watched the Jetsons fly around in their little jet-cars that never got stuck in traffic and could park – I mean land – almost anywhere, and I figured that by the time I was an old man of 68 we’d have those in real life. Sadly, I’m still waiting for that to happen.

But even George Jetson and his friends had to fly the damn things. They didn’t take off and land by themselves, which was a good thing, because in the Jetsons’ day, there were dozens of the things buzzing around all over the place, so good driving skills were required to avoid a major mid-air collision.

We’re constantly being reminded about the dangers of distracted driving, while at the same time designing cars that allow us to do exactly that. I mean, what am I supposed to do while my Cadillac is propelling itself down the highway, or parking itself in front of a Maserati? Should I read a book, set the buttons on my radio or recalibrate my Garmin? Maybe I should text message my friends or call Colasessano’s to order a pizza? Why do I need to do something other than driving when I’m supposed to be driving? I don’t see the need.

I’m extremely grateful that when my kids were growing up, we didn’t own a mini-van with a video screen in the back seat, because that’s just one more distraction the driver doesn’t need. I know the driver can’t actually see the movie, but he or she can certainly hear it, and if it’s showing something interesting, it’s bound to draw attention away from highway signs, pedestrians and the other cars on the road. Listening to the radio can be distracting enough without adding visuals to the mix.

And one more thing. Why would I want to start my car by pushing a button when I still have to carry my keys to make it work? Since I already have my keys, how much trouble is it to plug one into the ignition and turn?

I’m not anti-technology, so don’t get me wrong...not even where cars are concerned. I’d like to have a car battery that lasts more than five years, or tires that never wear out. I’d like to know my air bag wouldn’t break my nose if I ever needed it. These are improvements I could get behind, so why isn’t anybody working on them? And if the car feels compelled to do something without me, how about installing a self-washing tool or a small, Roomba-like device that vacuums the interior?

I’m happy that we progressed past the eight-track tape player to cassettes and later CDs, but I don’t want to plug my phone into my car, because that’s just another distraction to take my mind away from driving. I would like to have a self-darkening windshield like those Transition glasses that turn to shades in the sun, and maybe a cloaking device so I could do some stealth driving from time to time. I could really use a lighted ribbon board that encircled the car so I could send snotty messages to idiot drivers, and a hood-mounted machine gun so I could strafe the really bad ones.

And I still want a flying Jetsons car.

My wife says I’m just a curmudgeon and that I’m always mad about everything. She may be right, but she also said if you don’t want to drive your own car you should hire a driver or call for a cab. I’m okay with those suggestions, as long as the taxi doesn’t run all by itself and the “driver” I hire isn’t operated by remote control.