My wife recently posted on Facebook an excerpt from a 1950s home
economics textbook headlined, “Tips to
look after your husband.” This column of advice dates back to the time,
presumably, when The Deplorables believed that America was still great. I suggest you read it for a good laugh.
Well, I’m old enough to remember the end of the 1950s, so I
remember the “I Like Ike” buttons when Eisenhower was in the White House; June
Cleaver doing housework wearing dresses, high heels and pearls; Paul Drake always
greeting Della Street with “hi beautiful” and a lot of other TV shows that entertained us with stories about straight white people. Now that I have also lived through the Judge Roy Moore era, I
have taken the liberty to update my wife’s article to bring it more in line with
today’s culture… and especially tailored to those people who supported Moore
and faux-president Donald Trump.
I call it, “You’d damn
well better look after your husband – or else.” To that end, here are my
amended suggestions:
Have dinner ready
You must always have a hot, nutritious dinner ready for your
husband the minute he comes home from work, otherwise he’s liable to slap you
around a little and then go out drinking with “the boys.” Never mind that you
just got home from work yourself (or Middle School in the case of Roy Moore) or
that you have to work two jobs just to help Goober make ends meet. You must learn
the fine art of planning ahead.
Prepare yourself, too
Take off that greasy waitress uniform and grandma underwear the
minute you enter the house and go commando with skin-tight yoga pants and a
sweatshirt cut open deep down the front. Your husband, in all likelihood, has been
sexually harassing women at work all day long and is ready for some serious action
when he gets home. Make sure you are clean and smell good, like, say, gun oil
or beer shampoo. If you have one, a French maid’s uniform will work nicely, as
well.
Clear away the
clutter
Make sure your house is free of clutter. That means putting
away your husband’s (or live-in lover’s) boots, socks, dirty underwear and
oil-stained jeans that he left lying on the floor, as well as the empty beer
bottles, fishing gear, car parts and pizza boxes that are littering the house. Dump
all the overflowing ash trays and put the half-full boxes of .223 Remington
ammo back in the gun safe. God forbid you two have been allowed to procreate,
but if you have, clean up after the children, too, and send them to a neighbor’s
house for the evening.
Minimize unwanted noise
Turn off the dishwasher, washing machine, vacuum cleaner and
other appliances to minimize noise. You can’t expect hubby to fully enjoy his Toby
Keith CD with all that outside noise going on.
Some Don’ts
Never greet him with your problems. Anything that happened
to you – like losing a job, getting a foreclosure letter in the mail or being
raped and sodomized by the mailman who delivered it – are minor distractions
compared to the pressures he must endure during his day…like having to deal
with a married gay couple, sharing a lunch counter with black people or meeting
with his Jew lawyer.
Don’t talk. Just listen. As a woman, know that in his mind
you have nothing valuable to say. If it was up to him, you couldn’t even vote.
Some Dos
Be receptive to his crude sexual advances like ambush
kissing or pussy grabbing. He’s entitled to do these things because Donald
Trump does them and besides, Bill Clinton did much worse and Hillary allowed it.
Practice your fake orgasm sounds until you can moan, pant
and scream “oh god oh god oh god” virtually on command.
The goal
Remember, your goal in life is to please your man no matter
what it takes, which includes attending Trump rallies and voting for the
faux-president if he survives impeachment long enough to run for re-election.
In that way, you’ll help your man lead a marginally satisfying life that includes
drinking, sports, drinking, fishing, more drinking and sex while doing your
part to make America great again.
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