History of the world wars in the giant brain of Donald Trump

Let’s say you’re the President of the United States and Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces, but you never served in the military. Instead, you’re a five-time draft dodger who conjured up a phony case of “bone spurs” to keep from answering the call to duty.

Nevertheless, you got the job as president (twice) and have suddenly become fascinated with all things military. You’re planning a multi-million-dollar Washington, D.C., parade to celebrate your birthday on July 14, complete with marching soldiers, tanks, helicopters and all manner of military hardware.

They do this in Russia and North Korea and other authoritarian countries that you admire, so you want to have one here, too, so you can bask in its contrived adulation and praise.

And now you’ve decided to start renaming military holidays, including one that has existed since 1919, when it was founded as Armistice Day by President Woodrow Wilson after the conclusion of the first world war. You want to rename it “Victory Day for World War I,” ignoring the fact that its name was changed to Veterans Day in 1954, and it became a federal holiday to honor the millions of veterans who have served in all branches of the U.S. armed forces at any time.

And what’s worse, you’re also thinking about declaring a holiday on May 8 to be called “Victory Day for World War II,” recognizing the end of fighting in Europe while ignoring the fact that the second world war did not end until September 2, 1945, with the Japanese surrender following a bloody and extended battle in the Pacific islands.

Apparently you were absent from school the day we learned about the fighting in places like Guam, Guadalcanal, Midway, Okinawa and Iwo Jima, or that time we ended the war by dropping atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan? Maybe you should look that up. You see, World War II did not actually end until four months after our victory over the Nazis in Europe. VE Day, as it was called, was just a part of the history of the war. 

So that brings up a question. There are about 500-600 people working in the White House, plus an entire U.S. military (about 3 million people) under your command. Before saying something so colossally stupid as the war ended on May 8, couldn’t you have asked somebody if that was true? Had someone look it up for you? Watched the History Channel? Or picked up a book? Or called a fifth grader somewhere? Or just used Google?

See, here’s the problem. In the fantasy world where you reside, you believe that you know everything about everything, when in fact you know very little about our country, our history, our people and the way the world works. Your malignant narcissism prevents you from asking anybody for help, so you blunder through your days spouting one ignorant idea after another.

I’ve come to believe that you aren’t a real person, Mr. Trump, but rather a bloviating bag of blubbering fat cells that managed to con their way into a position of power. Your recent interest in military history is an insult to the real people who sacrificed themselves for this country and in whose honor our holidays are commemorated. My father and my father-in-law both fought in the Pacific during 1945, and you dishonor their service with your ignorance and your self-conceit.

If I were you, I’d stay away from issues involving military history and talk about things you actually know – such as how to make questionable real estate deals, defraud the IRS, cheat at golf and the proper application of hair products and spray-on tan.