According to rumor, the administration is preparing to issue
executive orders stating the following:
* That rapists can no longer be arrested for rape if the female
victim has, at any time in her life, consumed alcohol, taken any drug or
allowed herself to be dosed with any type of date-rape potion. Those actions by
her make all sex consensual and therefore the crime of rape is not possible.
Special consideration will be given to the alleged rapist if
he is a prominent judge, sports celebrity, oil and gas producer, Republican
politician, campaign donor or promising student at one of our finer private prep
schools and military academies with good grades and outstanding athletic ability.
And if he’s white.
* That child traffickers will be considered nothing more than volunteer
babysitters and therefore not subject to the law.
* That fraud is a legitimate business practice and is to be
encouraged whenever possible. This includes such activities as setting up fake colleges
to scam people out of money and inflating or deflating the value of one’s property
as appropriate to either puff up one’s reported wealth or to manipulate downward
his or her property tax liability.
* That failing to pay contractors for work they perform not
only isn’t a crime, but it’s also a recognized business activity designed to help people
who are granted a million dollars by their father become multi-millionaires and
eventually billionaires—at least on paper—at the expense of individuals and small
businesses that provide services in good faith.
* That lying under oath is no worse than lying to your spouse
about infidelity, which as everyone knows is okay as long as you can get away
with it.
* That discrimination against any non-white people is supported
by the law, because those people “are coming to replace us” and threaten the Conservative
Fundamentalist Judeo-Christian White Supremacist Western European principles
upon which this nation was founded.
* That any individual or group that opposes our God-given
right to possess and acquire military-style assault rifles and 100-round
magazines under the Second Amendment to the Constitution—and attempts to legislate
stricter gun laws in any city or state—may be arrested for treason and either
executed by firing squad, jailed indeterminately in a cage on the southern
border or deported to their “country of origin,” which will be decided by White
House Policy Advisor Stephen Miller in those instances where the deportee was actually
born in the U.S.
* That news reporting by any organization not friendly to the administration
shall be considered unlawful fake news, and any “enemy of the people” who
attempts such reporting shall be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay forever.
* And finally, that any attempt by that annoying gaggle of
Democratic lawmakers who call themselves "Congress" to interfere with the actions of the newly empowered Executive
Branch shall be considered an illegal “over-reach” and discarded as “incompetent,
irrelevant and immaterial,” just like Hamilton Burger was cast aside in all of those
episodes of Perry Mason.
In case you missed it, White House Alternative Facts Meister
Kellyanne Conway said over the weekend that attempting to impeach President
Donald J. Trump would violate the U.S. Constitution. “They need to read the
Constitution in the Democratic Party,” she said. “Tell them to stop the
nonsense of harassing and embarrassing this president and the people around him
when you have no constitutional or legal basis to do so.”
Never mind that the U.S. Constitution clearly sets forth the
process for impeaching the president if he commits crimes while in office, and
that the list of said crimes committed by Trump is much too long to mention
here. Of course, that’s what the Constitution said before Trump became
president and started rewriting all of our guiding principles and laws.
It’s rumored that Trump once told his advisors (who were mostly his daughter and her husband) that, "The
Constitution is decades out of date, and these old laws are far too restrictive
to allow me to make America great again as I alone can do it. Besides, if we need
any laws in this country, I’ll be the one who decides what those laws are going
to be.”
Now in the interest of full disclosure, I wasn’t in the room
when Trump supposedly said those things, but it’s what I’m hearing from some
pretty reliable sources, and if that kind of credibility is good enough for Trump, it’s good enough
for me. So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. After all, I could be one of
those stable geniuses I keep hearing about, who knows? I guess you can decide that for yourself.
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