Raking leaves and seeking truth with ‘happy holidays’ ahead

I had a few thoughts as we roll full steam into the so-called “holiday season.”

First, I couldn’t help laughing out loud when I heard Donald Trump say we could prevent forest fires in California by simply raking up the leaves. My first thought was, “Does Smokey Bear know about this?”

Then, when he said Finland doesn’t have forest fires because they rake up the forest floor, I googled Finland and learned that much of the country is covered by evergreen trees. Specifically, “The landscape is covered mostly by coniferous taiga forests and fens. The forest consists of pine, spruce, birch and other species.” For you non-tree experts, “coniferous” refers to evergreen trees and shrubs that grow needles and sprout cones, like pine cones.

And what do coniferous trees have in common? They don’t have leaves. No leaves to fall, nothing to rake. Fire problem solved.

Never mind that about 25% of Finland is above the Arctic Circle, where they don’t even have trees, or that the climate of Finland is nothing like California, where hot, dry Santa Ana winds blow across rain-deprived forests and any kind of spark can ignite the kind of fires that are currently ravaging the state.

Then I looked out back, where my small yard sits at the base of a forest and saw many brown and orange leaves lying on the forest “floor.” I guess that means I’ll be a forest fire risk if it ever stops raining and the Santa Anas blow this far east. I’ll be sure to ask Trump what he thinks.

But wait!

Do you suppose Donald Trump has ever actually raked a leaf? Does he even know what a rake looks like? Does he know there are claw rakes with three prongs and garden rakes with 16 or more? Does he know there are leaf rakes, lawn rakes, hay rakes, bamboo, plastic and steel rakes? Could he pick a rake out of a police lineup if it was in there with a hoe, a shovel, a spade, a pick-axe, a post hole digger and some pruning shears?

I mean, if the president of the United States thinks the solution to forest fires is raking leaves, as opposed to, say, addressing global climate change, then he ought to be an expert on rakes, don’t you think?

*     *     *

Next, I want to know what happened to all of Trump’s paychecks since he became president. It’s been almost two years, right? He was supposed to work for free and donate his pay to some worthy charity, but after the first few months, we haven’t heard anything about that. Since some of it is my money, I want to know if he’s still doing that or if it was just another Trumpian lie.

And, I have an idea for the president: How about giving some of that taxpayer money to California fire victims and people in Puerto Rico who still haven’t reclaimed their lives after Hurricane Maria. Maybe you could adopt a family or two. I’m serious. Think of the public relations value. Some people might even start to believe the man has a heart and a soul. (I wouldn’t, but some people might.)

If that's too much for you, Mr. Trump, then at least drop a check or two into a bell-ringer's kettle. At least someone needy would benefit from your public relations generosity. 

*     *     *

Third, I have decided that Michael Avenatti is either the target of a very well coordinated, Trump-inspired, right-wing smear campaign to ruin his reputation or he’s a slimeball of the highest order. Just this week he’s been arrested for sexual assault – although the alleged victim says he didn’t do it – and evicted from an office building for back rent, even though he claims he was moving out of it anyway.

Somebody isn’t telling the truth and I don’t know who it is.

It’s not that I care that much about Avenatti either way, because I don’t. Here’s what I do care about: I could live two more years, five years, 10 years or 20 minutes. There is no way to know. But what I do know is, for the remainder of my life, however long it may be, I’m not sure I will ever again know what is true…and that’s a frightening way to live.

*     *     *

Finally, I want to wish all of my friends and readers a happy holiday season. That’s right. I said “happy holidays.” If I see you on the street, I might say “merry Christmas” to you and truly hope that you have a good one. I like saying that when Christmas gets near, but there are people I know who also observe Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and celebrate the Winter Solstice, and Thanksgiving is right around the corner and New Year’s Day will bring up the rear, so to me, “happy holidays” covers it all.

And don’t forget Three Kings Day, St. Lucia Day and St. Nicholas Day. I don’t really know what any of those three are, but I hope you have a happy one all the same.

So hear me exclaim as I blog out of sight, "Happy holidays to all, and to all a good night."