A brief look at this week’s truth, facts and the reality of Rudy World

If you’ve been listening to Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani recently, your head is probably threatening to spin itself right off of your neck. It’s just a matter of time before you start chanting in tongues, flying above your bed and spitting out pea soup like the girl in “The Exorcist.”

Rudy has been on TV just about every day, trying to make his case for why faux-president Donald Trump will / won’t / may / may not / should / shouldn’t / could / or couldn’t testify before Special Counsel Robert Mueller in his probe into Russian interference in the 2016 election.

Rudy’s comments on various TV shows have been contradictory and confusing at best, like when he talks about an infamous meeting that Donald Trump Jr. and other campaign officials had with Russian operatives in Trump Tower in June of 2016. Every day it seems, Rudy tells a different story about who said what to whom and where they said it and when and why...and Rudy’s accounts rarely square with what the faux-president himself has proclaimed in the past.  

That said, however, after painstaking investigation and careful analysis, I think I’ve finally got that Trump Tower meeting all figured out. It goes something like this:

* Donald Trump Jr. took a meeting with a Russian agent in 2016 to discuss the adoption of Russian children, except that he didn’t know she was a Russian, even though the meeting was called to discuss Russian adoptions, because you always want to discuss Russian adoptions with people who aren’t Russian…and whose non-Russian-sounding name is Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya, which Rudy says Junior knew was her name at the time.

But wait!

* The administration was forced to later admit that they really met because the non-Russian agent with the non-Russian name of Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya was promising to provide the Trump campaign with dirt on his opponent, Hillary Clinton, which is really just “opposition research” that campaigns do all of the time, except it would be illegal to get it from an agent of a foreign government, but not if that agent was a non-Russian who didn’t represent a foreign government where people have names like Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya.

* It also came out that the Russian adoption story was just a cover so the non-Russian agent named Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya could meet with the Trump campaign to discuss getting dirt on Hillary Clinton, but that was still okay because Trump Junior still didn’t know she was a Russian, even though her name is Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya.

(I think there must be a lot of Irish-Americans and French Canadians with the same last name.)

* Because he didn’t know the non-Russian named Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya was actually a Russian, there was no collusion when Trump Junior agreed to meet her to discuss the adoption of Russian children (wink wink, nod nod) because he thought she was just a non-Russian with a Russian-sounding name like Natalia Vladimirovna Veselnitskaya who just happened to know something about the adoption of Russian children, many of whom apparently could provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

(Who knew the Russians were teaching the art of opposition research to so many of their orphaned children?)

So you see? In Trump’s America, where some facts are “alternative facts,” you “shouldn’t believe what you see and hear” and “truth is not the truth,” this all makes perfect sense. But don't take my word for it. Just wait for Rudy Giuliani to appear on a TV set near you, where he will no doubt be walking back his latest clarification and clarifying his latest version of the truth.

I’m sure he’ll be around with another non-Russian story any time now, and with that, I think my work here is finished.