I swear it was rattling yesterday

It never fails. You’re driving down the road one day and your car begins to rattle. The source of the rattle is unknown.

When you get to your destination, you check the glove compartment for loose objects that could cause a rattle. You find none. You check the trunk, the various storage compartments, the cup holders and the dashboard. Nothing rattling there, either. It’s a mystery. You complete your business and drive away. When you do, the rattle returns.

After several days of driving and rattling and rattling and driving, you take your car to a mechanic and ask him to identify and fix the rattle. He drives the car around for a half-hour on the bumpiest road he can find…and hears no rattle. “Sorry,” he tells you, “but I don’t hear anything. If you hear it again, come on back.”

You leave the mechanic’s shop and five miles down the road, the rattle returns. You know that if you turn around and go back, the mechanic still won’t be able to hear it, so you accept that the rattle is simply a new sound your car makes, and get on with the rest of your life.

Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you.

This is known as the “Phantom Car Rattle Mystery” and it’s one of the rules that govern my life. It’s something you just know will happen every time. Here are a few more:

The “ ‘Today I Feel Fine, Doc. Thanks for Asking’ Syndrome”

When you go to the doctor for an appointment you had to make weeks ago, the problem you were having back then will have gone away, at least during the 15 minutes it takes her to examine you. The conversation goes something like this:

Doctor: “So what brings you here today?”

You: “Well, doc, I’ve been having a really bad pain right here.” (You point to the location of the pain but have a hard time finding it because it doesn’t hurt today.) “Or maybe it was over here,” you say. “It was in this general area.”

Doctor: “What is your level of pain today on a scale of 1 to 10?”

You: “Well, to be honest, doctor, it doesn’t hurt at all today (long pause while she glares at you)… but it was a 7 when I called for the appointment and yesterday it was a 9.”

Doctor: “You probably just strained a muscle or something and now it’s healed.” (Thinks you’re some kind of hypochondriac.) “Come back if you have any more trouble. Next.”

You walk out of the office and one hour later, your pain is a 10.

The “Taking a Chance on the Bread Man Supermarket Shuffle”

You live in a town with two major supermarkets, neither of which has everything you want. You know this going in. You also know that Walmart probably has everything you want, but you hate Walmart and refuse to go there for any reason short of a critical emergency. So off you go to Supermarket #1.

You buy the half-dozen things that you know Supermarket #2 doesn’t sell. In the process, you pass by several things that they do sell, but you don’t buy them because you’ll get them at the other store. You check out and head off for Supermarket #2.

As you probably have guessed, Supermarket #2 has most of the other items on your list, but remarkably seems to have run out of those very same things that you passed up at Supermarket #1. I mean, what are the odds? So you finish shopping at Supermarket #2 and head back to Supermarket #1 to buy those things you could have bought there in the first place if you hadn’t gambled on Supermarket #2.

You tell yourself it’s okay, because, really, what else did you have to do today but shuttle back and forth between supermarkets? But in your heart, you know the world is laughing at you for passing up opportunities when you had the chance. You also know you’ll never go to Las Vegas to gamble.

The “You Can’t Out-Fox the Fox Bank Line Dilemma”

Finally, this: You pull into a drive-in bank. There are three lanes open. Two lanes have two cars each and one lane has one, so you pull in behind the single car. Little did you know that the one car in Lane 3 has seven separate transactions and his card isn’t working quite right and he’s got nowhere else to be so he’s happy sitting there for the better part of the morning while it all gets sorted out.

Meanwhile, Lanes 1 and 2 empty out, fill up again, empty out again and fill up again so there are still two cars ahead of you if you decided to switch…which you do any way.

As soon as you back up and pull into Lane 2 behind two cars, the vehicle in Lane 3 pulls out and you sit and watch a steady stream of cars come and go through that line you used to be in while you are now stuck in the lane you moved into.

By the way, the same thing happens at the new McDonald’s, which has two drive-up lanes and you automatically pick the wrong one every time – assuming that I’d ever eat at such a place...which I wouldn’t…except when I do.