When it comes to issues of race, Paul Ryan thinks Donald
Trump’s heart is in the right place – except when he doesn’t. He also thinks
Trump is working hard to bring the nation together.
“I’ve had some candid conversations with him about this,” the
House speaker said this past Sunday on Face the Nation. Never mind that Ryan
was critical of Trump’s response to a white supremacist rally in Charlottesville,
Va., or the fact that last year, Ryan called Trump’s attacks on a
Mexican-American federal judge the “textbook” definition of racism.
This week, apparently, Ryan has seen the light. Or, rather,
he’s seen the heart. Or, more likely, he’s seen the donor contributions starting
to dry up since Trump made happy face with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and
Nancy Pelosi. Ryan needs for Trump to
be a Republican and the Uniter-in-Chief.
So…let’s explore:
First off, there's the “heart” thing. I suppose I have to concede
that anatomically, Donald Trump does have a heart. Otherwise, he’d never get in
18 holes every weekend at Bedminster or Mar-a-Lago. However, he doesn’t have
the kind of heart that recognizes the needs, wants, desires, problems, fears,
anxieties, struggles, handicaps or vulnerabilities of any living human except
himself. His heart may be physically located in the right part of Trump’s body,
but it certainly isn’t communicating with his brain.
Second, Ryan says Trump is working to unite the country. Yes,
I can see that, and here is how he's doing it:
Step 1 is to ban all Muslims from entering the United
States. That will reduce the number of them here. Then we can harass the hell
out of those who remain until, hopefully, they will all get tired of the abuse
and go back home to reunite with their families. Muslims gone, Step 1 accomplished.
Step 2 is to get rid of the brown people. You know, the ones
who sneak in from Mexico and Honduras and Guatemala and whatever else is down
there where it’s hot all the time. We deport the ones who are here illegally,
including parents of DACA children, so the kids have to follow their parents.
Then we use Sheriff Joe Arpaio's method of targeting the legal immigrants by
stopping them for traffic violations, broken tail lights and DWB – driving while
brown – to give them a criminal record of some kind. Then we deport them, too, because we can't have criminals here.
Brown people gone, we're moving right along.
Step 3 involves getting rid of “the blacks.” We can’t
actually deport them because we kidnapped their ancestors to begin with and
dragged them over here in chains, but we can
start chipping away at their ability to vote. We continue to gerrymander them
out of new white voting districts and pass voter suppression laws to make
voting so hard it breaks their spirit.
We also have our Justice Department bring back “stop and
frisk” and any other racial profiling technique we can think of to get them
into prisons where they belong. Black people? Not gone, but locked away. We’re really
cookin’ now!
That will leave only white people and Asians from the
Pacific Rim. (Well, there’s “the Reds,” too, but we took care of them decades
ago.) The Asians get to stay because they understand computers and stuff…but
they all have to live in Seattle and the greater San Francisco area and they
are never allowed to leave.
Finally, Trump will get the nation of white people his
little heart desires, but we won’t quite be united just yet. The only hitch
will be that some white people have been to college, so Trump and his jackboots
will have to ensure that the others – the Alt-Right, the Neo-Nazis, the other Deplorables
and the Poorly Educated – are so heavily armed they can easily keep those pesky
elitists and intellectuals in line.
And that will be how Donald J. Trump, faux-president and
reality TV star, unites all (true) Americans into one pure master race and
makes this country great again.
(Funny, but I just keep thinking I've heard that somewhere before.)
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